dank nails

hello bloggirlcousinperson. i was forced into adulthood this morning around 11 am when i was DRUNK on chillable and my mom points at me and says, 'if you have time to lean, you have time to clean!', which is the communist way of saying, 'your laziness is annoying me'. she handed me a big girl knife and some potatoes and then i told her 'my hair is bright red and i have homicidal thoughts' then she took the knife away from me and handed me a carrot peeler. then she smoked all of my cigarettes and made me drunk drive to walgreens, aka, the center of the universe. anyway, i only lost 3 press-ons in this tragedy, so after all is said and done, this has definitely the best christmas ever! if you've been keeping track, you will know that last night was christmas eve, one of the more boring eves of the year. so i got pretty crunk by myself on red wine while watching E.T. which kind of made me evaluate my existence and stuff. then i went to the bar. the guy who i lost my virginity to was there. well, at least my November 2012 virginity. he was there, dancing with this girl who was wearing a floor length linen skirt and some kind of earth friendly tee shirt and probably fucking birkenstocks or something. what is this?! The Wicker Man?!?! and in that moment, i realized no matter how pretty your eyes are, who you dance with at the bar at 1 am on christmas morning is what truly defines you. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! this is what they looked like: but i still got 7 press-ons!!! i lost jay-z and 2 of the blue ones, but at least i still got my girl B!

you're my medicine

Hey D. what's shakin, bacon? just kidding, i don't eat bacon. but i really don't cause i still don't eat anything cause my teeth still don't have emotions from the fall. they are sad face. but that's not a story for you, that's a story for my grandchildren. i'm going to be a fun grandmother! so i'm kind of at a point in my life where i don't really have one. i started drinking wine yesterday at 2 pm and didn't stop until 2 am. had to work today at 7. if you work in the retail industry, then you know how so much fun this time of the year is. it's like the best. the christmas soundtrack includes a super diverse list of about 5 songs. one of them is 'Snow Day' by Lisa Loeb, which has absolutely nothing to do with the holidays, in fact, i think it is about narcotic abuse. today, my friend Nekia, in an attempt to escape the 9th symphony, asked me if i wanted her to sing some lil' wayne. i was like 'yea'. so she started kind of lazilly rapping her own lyrics which slowly gradiated into a very misinterpreted version of 'Feliz Navidad'. see. SEE! the car is on fire and there is no driver at the wheel, if you know what i mean. but it's not just her, it's all of us. and as long as the grasshoppers don't eat up all of our gardens, and the dinosaurs don't trample us to death, i think we'll all live to see a few better days. ne ways. home now. i'm trying to avocado drinking until i have to go pick up my brother from work in like in hour, but let's be honest, i'm already drinking. here are some pictures of me trying to entertain myself:

this is a picture of my hair looking really white, which i find entertaining, cause IRL my hair looks super yellow.

this is a picture of me trying to get CAT to wave at the camera. it was entertaining cause she never did.

and finally, here is a picture of me on a rollercoaster. it was entertaining because roller coasters are entertaining, so says the travel channel. tune in next week to see if the rest of the ride was any good.

mixing food and drink: tasting meat without actually eating it

so if you bust your lip and smoke a cigarette and are really hungry but you can't eat, it kind of tastes like the deprivation of a third world country. ~lowered expectations~

happy birthday, jesus!

diamond. help me. i don't know if i'm hungover or have a head injury. has this ever happened to you gurl? well, last night was merry fifthmas, one of the top ten most important things to me, up there with McDonalds and sparkles. the only thing i remember is falling and dropping my bottle of wine. at the time i thought i had dropped it in between the planks of the porch, but in retrospect, i don't think that happened. so now everything kind of hurts including my head, heart and soul. cool! i'm pretty sure i knocked all of my teeth loose and my mom keeps telling me to go to the hospital or else they will fall out. but i know a girl with some missing teeth and she really rocks it, so yolo. in gooder news, my brother was just hired as the new bartender at our fave bar, so expect many more uplifting stories like this, straight from the cutting room floor of Campbells Soup for the Soul. but really, all i wanna do is smoke a cigarette and i can't even open my mouth. like, how do i get nicotine into my body without opening my mouth? i'm literally just letting the cigarette burn so i can breathe the smoke. i'm not addicted!

totally know how Rhianna felt now. i get it gurl.

feelin pretty nu

hey gurl. sorry, i have no excuses this time, just been drinkin a lot, sleepin even more. u know, trying to stay focused basically. i just told someone i couldn't hang out tonight cause i had to wash my hair, paint my nails, do laundry, change purses, and cancel my Save The Children sponsorship, all of which i think makes me a pretty legit and humble person. no one likes shallow people. but instead all i've done is eat 4 pieces of toast, drink an energy drink, and smoke about half a pack of cigarettes. A LEAN NIGHT. anyway, i'm kind of having an identity crisis and by that i mean i can't really afford to get by platinum blond roots touched up, so i don't know if i should dye my hair brown or if i should sell something, like blood or sex, to get my hair did. i would only need 20 dolla, but times is tuff, u know? i feel like i'm starting to look pretty nu metal, which is my second biggest fear after anal sex. anyway, what color should i paint my nails? like, what's the least nu metal color you can think of? sparkly baby pink? clutch, pink diamond, you are clutch, always with the good advice. here's a screen shot of me and my sunny disposition. i call it 'happiness awoke with me every morning'

romayo and julieta

while i do love tchaikovskey's romeo and juliet overture, it is the beginning, the waxing of the, what is it, the woodwinds and strings?, that is so captivating. the consonance. 'star-crossed', has nothing to do with it; it is the friar, the friar saying 'listen', in this symphonic poem. and then the minors and the key changes, everything before the cymbal. but i could never get past the 6 minute mark. the main theme is too beautiful, and i completely blame Pytor for romanticizing and exploiting shakespere's subplot. i find the main theme obvious thanks to pop culture and the way they underscore it in first encounters between boys and girls. romeo and juliet isn't about love, we know that. it's about testosterone and politics. if you want to talk about love, let's talk about Wagner. i may delete this in the morning aka i'm drunk, which gives me the right to talk about this thing i know nothing about.

happy halloween

i just got drunk and decided to facebook stalk my mexican cousins. do you think i look mexican?

*in my Donnie Whalberg Sixth Sense voice* i do.

toast

hello all you gay people. gay is in the air today, i tell you what. i'm kinda drunk on Chillable, if you know what i mean. just ate some toast, which in my extremely humble opinion is the second greatest invention, if we're still using the sliced bread scale. i'm listening to N*Sync singing O holy Night (my all time fave cut) while pre gamin for the season premiere of American Horror story, all while trying to work on a short story about valentines day. i had such high hopes for today. it's the first time i've seen daylight since sunday, you know...workin doubles, gettin rich. but i had the afternoon off today and i was going to do laundry, exercise, cancel my generous monthly contribution to Save the Children, but all i did was call this one guy i did it with once and then watch an ESPN special on UK basketball. oh well. you win some, you lose some, and i would definitely say that today, i have won some.

these are some good books, you can pick them up at your local library. you know what, they may even be available at Target.

Gucci

you know how everyone has that one friend who doesn't dress well, but they're still cool? well i am that one friend, because i am not dressed head to toe in Gucci for these cool autumn months. don't let me be that friend, buy me these things:

i'm not okay

hello. i just went to the grocery store. i hate the grocery store. i started yelling at this lady in the organic aisle, or as i like to call it, the asshole aisle. asshole aisle number 2 is the produce section, u know, vegetables and things. i really don't like it when people try to force their beliefs on me, and whenever someone else is in the organic aisle with me, i take it personally. it's like, just go home and take your multi vitamins in private, you know? so my mom had to calm me down by buying me an energy drink and telling me to go wait outside and smoke a cigarette. we're home now and she keeps checking on me. I'M NOT OKAY.

Donna knows how i feel, don't you gurl?

The Abortion

speaking of as constant as a northern star... this song was recently added to the ever uplifting TJMaxx soundtrack. i started writing a screenplay around it. the screenplay is about these young and attractive male and female. the male gets the female pregnant and she has to have an A word (abortion). she doesn't really care that much, but he's kinda bothered by it. this song is playing in the waiting room while she's feeling out the paper work. she's bored and keeps getting distracted by her new manicure, and he's troubled and staring at her and remembering 'all the good times'. at one point there is a lap dance, but it should be unclear whether this is a memory, or really happening. but let's be real, this girl would totally give her baby daddy a lap dance in the abortion clinic lobby. to help you imagine the scene, the walls are a pale 'sleazy diner' yellow and the lights are fluorescent. the choreography to the lap dance is an exact replication of Butterfly's in Death Proof

case of you

here's a recording of me singing 'Case of you' by Joni Mitchell

gin and juice minus the juice

The most darling of diamonds, tell me why my apartment complex be smellin like KFC biscuits. so i just got home from the grocery store. i feel bad, because at 7 pm there was supposed to be a 10 second world wide meditation, but i was at the store tryna pick up some strange. The Cincinnati Reds lost tonight, apparently the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to sports, but it's not really a surprise cause it's Cincinnati. The VP debate is tonight, which makes me nostalgic for my youth in which i spent many hours in campaign offices playing with the trash/waiting at home by myself for my mother to drunkenly come home from some fundraiser. but 4 reals, i did get to go to the Chaney/Lieberman debate back in '00 and it was chill. i had a broken ankle and i was wearing a lime green turtle neck with brown mary-janes. i got to shake Joe Lieberman's hand, and from there on out for about 8 years, i was obsessed with him. like, i won the middle school 'most political' award at graduation because of the numerous essays i had voluntarily written on ol Joe and his unprecedented judaic strides in politics. really though i just thought all of the attention was super glam. anyway. gotsta go get my gin and tonics (aka shots of gin) ready for the debunkle. remember, tipping is not a city in China. here's a recent picture of me and my boo and my boo boo riding. i post this picture because, while, it was taken a week ago, i'm wearing the exact same thing right now. so now you're closer to me, closer to god.

and here's a song to describe the Reds losing today; Soo Cincinnati.

The Crowing

30,000 images of child porn

yo QPD what's good gurl? i'm sick like real sick like not biblically sick, but like, mucinex sick. it's like that one time i had tonsillitis, immediately followed by maybe pregnant, immediately followed by broken back, immediately followed by raging allergies, immediately followed by gay wisdom teeth. remember those 6 months? man, those were the worst. but that's what i feel like right now. aka pretty. i feel pretty. i'm getting a good amount of attention which is kind of tearing my family a part, so really, it's the most i could ask 4. my illness began last weekend at a little party we like to call RAUNCH. i mean, the name of the party pretty much sums it all up, so now on top of being indisposed, i've got a guilty conscious. n er werz. had my interview at the casino today. anyone who ever told you that you don't use math in the real world LIED to you. they lieeed. but i did get to sing Rehab by the late great in front of the CEO of Ceasar's, so all in all, i'm not totally complaining. here's a picture of me before and after. before and after what you may ask? innocence. i lost my virginity finally, and by that i mean, someone typed into my search engine thing 'how to make a vegan stew' and i totally mis read it as 'how to make a virgin stir'. BYE NOW.

do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

i seriously just smoked like 9 cigarettes waiting for this video to end.

hello. it's me again. i just tried to type in Shai Hulud on youtube, only to be surprise attacked by Shai. now i don't know if i'm in an R&B mood, or a hardcore punk with progressive metal influences mood. let me file my nails, and i'll get back to you.

time isn't real

hey gurl. what's good gurl? just sitting here listening to some Drake, feelin badder than ever. today i did something really impressive that only i was impressed by...i mashed up the theme song to Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mama'a Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feeling So Sad and Alicia Key's No One. I asked my family to respond to my creativity and after about 45 seconds my brother just looked at me and said 'time isn't real'. then he went into his bed room and i haven't seen him since... it's been a long week. this time last week, i was sitting in the intensive care unit of UC hospital after my friend Sam fell off a roof. it's funny though cause his last name is Rueff. and his middle name is Charles. i think. so sammy has gone home for a little while to recover from neck surgery, and here i am, alone, no makeup, no weave, all natural. my cat is starring at me, and autumn is in the air.

Sam.

AM Host (part-time)

well, it's a so(m)ber day here at Queen Pink Diamond. one of my bffs moved away to the new world, to the colonies, to Chicago. nothing against Chicago, it's just...you know...not me. i am taking his move personally and am probably going cry myself to sleep tonight. you know at the end of Garden State when Elizabeth Taylor is crying in the phone booth at the airport cause she thinks she will never see Channing Tatum again? i'm like that right now, except Channing Tatum doesn't return and sweep me off my feet...or pull me out of the phone booth, or whatever happens, i don't really remember i'm kinda drunk (i lied, it's not a sober day). what was i talking about...

here's a picture i just found, which i find totally relatable, because 1.) yes, Bukowski was right, and 2.)i just watched the movie this screenshot was taken from. it's like, god is looking out for me. it's like, global warming loves me. it's like, old people will have all the medicine they need forever. OH. that's what i was talking about... i saw a war story on the news tonight. that's why i'm sad. war is sad, and not even in the existential sense... i can't handle old people veteran stories, mainly because i inherently steal stories and write plays about them, so whenever i hear sad face war stories, i always feel like an ambulance chaser....i guess the point of all of this is i'm kinda drunk and feel like i should re-watch Garden State. Here's a picture of me before an interview i had yesterday with a casino. who knows how it went, but if it's any indication, the only other tabs open on my sweet 2007 macbook right now are craigslist ads for 'Front Desk Manager...''AM Host (part-time)' and 'Cashier'.

bye bye hangovers

hey gurl. it is the dawn of Tuesday, the 1st of June, 1966. it looks like it's going to be another scorcher. i've drank every day this week. one night, i drank so much that i ended up at the Covington water front, drinking a 40 and talking about jazz with this beautiful bronze statue. he won the conversation, i don't know anything about jazz. but it was nice, you know? meeting someone who will listen to me when i have nothing to say. i guess my point it, i have discovered the cure to hangovers. but i don't know if i should tell you. it's kind of like how scientists have the cure to cancer, but it would ruin the economy if they disclosed it, so they just gunna sit on it. ok, you convinced me, ill tell you. it's simple, you just have to paint your nails, curl your hair, and eat about 1/4 of a cucumber after you've been drinking and before you go to sleep (the nails and the hair may be optional, the results on that are still inconclusive). i've been experimenting this week, and have found that no matter what you mix, you don't have to worry. So Edward Albee/Richard Burton/Virgina Woolf, i'm loookin at you right now. Someday, 'never mix, never worry' will be studied and analyzed in schools as a primitive ideology that was just simply suppressing the welfare of americans all over the world. So try it! the other night i mixed gin beer vodka and played 'kill it' with a bottle of rum that i stole from an 18 year old, ate some cucumber until i passed out, then woke up the next morning welcoming the sun. cause the sun isn't your enemy, when you're not hungover.

Honey's pissed.

gay

buy your tickets, get yo popcorn, use the bathroom, cause you're being treated to a DOUBLE FEATURE: i think i'm addicted to shopping. today at work, i found a broom that was on clearance, and you know i just had to have it, like i know how to use a broom or something. and then i also found a Webster's ~!ThESauRus!~ marked down to a dollar. so you know i had to have that, too. ain't nothin wrong wit tryin to better myself and my vocabulary is***. Speaking of vocabulary, I was just reading back through some of Queen Pink Diamond's posts, and i realized there are basically 3 words that can be found in every post: GAY, HANGOVER, and BROTHER. god, i've got some good priorities. neway, that's what's up with this double, back 2 back update today. back to back, like Requiem for a Dream. Cool, i've just ruined your day. so to all uh my gays: i love you. not you per say, cause i don't know you, but without you, i would have nothing to talk about. (*** denotes a perfectly seamless segway, especially in the early works of Queen Pink Diamond)

oGAYcupid

Dear Obama, barackkkkkkkkkkkkkk obama. if i ever have a kid i'm going to name him/her Baraaaaaack Obamaaaaaa. i am currently on my lunch break of a 40 hour work week, and by that i mean, i am off until 9 am tomorrow, and i'm going to spend the majority of this free time eating. Just got home from taking my momsickle to da blood clinic, always fun. actually, this was my first time taking her cause my brother usually takes her, and he promised me that Everybody Loves Raymond would be playing in the lobby, which it wasn't, so now i feel like i can never trust public healthcare or my brother again. that's a promise!!! OkCupid, my favorite free website, deleted my account AGAIN. i'm assuming they deleted it... every time i try to log on, it says 'we are currently experiencing technical difficulties' which is some bullshit cause the world would probably stop if OkCupid were truly down for 3 days. But i think they dumped me cause some guy messaged me asking if i was really 14, and i said 'no i'm 15'. but it's like... of course i'm not 14. i didn't even know what dating was when i was 14, much less the internet....kids these days.... they've got everything. cell phones, daddies, OkCupid. what's next? clean clothes? whatever. here's a picture of me and my brother and some gay guys at a gay bar we were at this past gay weekend. cause every weekend is a gay weekend when you have a BFA in theatre...

look at me, i'm an angel.

Fury

My mom's friend Fury (Rob Morgan) back in 1988.

'drive sober or get pulled over'. -shakespeare

you know how there are some things you only do when you hungover? like drink water or go into that one special stall in that one special building on campus you have designated as your throw up stall? well, lately, i only eat pizza when i'm hungover, so i'm starting to associate horrible things with it, like demons and birkenstocks. so basically my subtext here is: i had a good time last night. i broke my promise to my daddy and god and went to that freshman deception party. THAT party. thoseeee people. it was ok. i woke up in my friend's attic this morning with my brother sitting next to me bright eyed and bushy tailed watching The Wire, starring all your favorite Baltimore natives and a couple of british guys. oh yeah! here's a picture of me with my new bling i got today. they came with the cupcakes my manager brought to work.

this song just made my hangover a lot worse.

but how do you fix a broken mirror?

saturGAY

hello blog. i think i'm having an identity crisis, but only because i am SOOOO BORED omg. my mother is in the other room saying that she's going to stop watching network news because it is too conservative, but all i'm hearing is 'i'm going to stop eating yeast because i'm vegan'. i don't like it when people have opinions about things, especially when i'm having an identity crisis. it is saturday evening, and the sky a lovely blue. the wind is blowing and the waves are waving, and i also haven't eaten since 1972, but who's counting? there is a party tonight, which is normally what i live for, but it is the first party of the semester, and i no longer belong to semesters. i was ex-communicated from semesters and first of the semester parties when i graduated from college. so what now? do i quilt? add to my list of potential baby names? go grocery shopping? YES. that is what i will do, go to a bar. GOD, you're such a life saver, Queen Pink Diamond. In the meantime, i think i will just sit here and wait for some black boys to message me on OkCupid. i love black boys. here's a picture of me a couple months ago when i was still young and vulnerable. not nos more :(

Elizabeth Smart Phone

hey cuties. bad news, didn't win the lottery. the other night i had this vision of the colors red and green, so that inspired me to go and buy a lottery ticket using the numbers of the dates of holidays represented by the colors red and green. this made me sad when i didn't win, so i went and bought a rockstar energy drink (i bet you thought i was gunna say 'gun'). but just like my credit, my metabolism is shady and sensitive. now i feel like a balloon that has some water in it. but just a little water. a really awkward water balloon is what i feel like right now. but i got happy again when i started thinkin about Elizabeth Smart and then i realized i never named my most recent phone, so i decided to name my phone Elizabeth Smart Phone. The same way i named my first car when i was 16 John Karr. The only people who were impressed by that were my junior literature teacher and my daddy's Colombian girlfriend who didn't really speak english, but she did have fantastic eyebrows. so all in all today has been not horrible, which in my book, makes it fantastic. got off work with a real debbie downer of an attitude, so my brother took me to kroger and bought me cheese. that's what we do; if sad, go and binge on cheese in the kroger parking lot. never fails, or at least, it makes my sad face turn into a sad tummy, cause i'm pretty lactose intolerant. and sad tummys are always better than sad faces. remember THAT one next time you have to give your senior yearbook quote. here's a clip from the movie The Comedians of Comedy that i have watched twice today. it was made in 2004, therefor it is vintage, therefor you will be a more cultured person if you watch it.

twins turn 23 here.

TODAY, on QUEEN PINK DIAMOND: i'm hungover. my very first hangover of my 23rd year. also maybe the gayest hangover ever. my hangover is full out homo. last night i drank a 44 ounce margarita, 2 double tall gin and tonics, a martini, and a glass of wine, which for me is hardly any alcohol at all so i dun get it. last night was a riot cause i always have riots, but it was a birthday riot. my favorite part of the evening was when some guy walked up to me at the bar and said 'you are so pretty. i like your hair and your clothes and your glasses and the way you talk and your hair.' at least i think he said hair twice. some people say that twitter is the humble brag capital of the internet, but i say it is Queen Pink Diamond. anyway. 23 is strange and awkward and i am now officially out of excuses. pop punk was right when it said 'nobody likes you when you're 23', cause how can people like you when you don't like yourself? just kidding. i like myself. probably too much. here's a sweet pic of me and my bro reluctantly turning 23:

p.s. does anyone watch The Killing?

HEY it is 1 57 pm. i was just outside smoking a cigarette, cause that's what we do now, go outside and smoke cigarettes. i'm in a battle with the worst hangover of my life, and it's not even my birthday. it's hot as hell, maybe hotter. so i was standing next to the apartment complex dumpster wearing a cut off Rocky Horror Picture Show tee shirt, black yoga pants, rainboots, and long dirty bleached blond hair that is still wet from going swimming a couple days ago, looking metal as fuck, when an old jeep drives by and screams in my direction 'I'M GUNNA FUCK YOU!!!'. don't get me wrong, i've never felt prettier, but it made me stop and examine a couple of things. like my fingernails, for example. my nails are basic right now, at best. i've spent the last 3 hours listening to Gold Finger on repeat trying to learn the lyrics to sing at my next audition CAUSE YOU KNOW I'D BE SO GOOD, and i can't find my cat. what am i doing with my life? where is God in this equation? where is my next meal coming from (burger king or taco bell)? so many things. .....so many things.............. who wore it better, me or my brother?

Dear Queenpinkdiamond

i'm sorry. i wish i could take you to disney world to let you know how sorry i am. i wish i could take you to the mall and let you run wild in Pac Sun to let you know how sorry i am. i've been very busy. if you were my real child, i would pay all of the back child support that i owe, i promise. i love you, i need you to remember that. anyway. i guess i've been busy graduating from college and preparing to turn 21 for the third time. third times a charm, right? i just got back from NYC where dreams come true and you get in fights with your brother and end up drunk and crying eating biscuits at Popeye's in Harlem at 3 am. those people are good people. they were good to me. here's a picture of a show i saw:

it's called End of the Rainbow, apparently....i just call it The Judy Garland show. It stars Tracie Bennett and i criiieeedddd. it's only the second show i've ever cried during, the first one was completely alcohol induced tears, and this one was only partially alcohol induced tears. red wine induced tears, to be specific. so, honest tears. it was absolutely probably the best theatrical experience of my life. newayz. it's about to close, so u should c it. i'm going to post some more pictures from new york. maybe tonight, maybe never. love always, YOUR BIRTH MOTHER.

in which i set myself on fire

hello. tomorrow i have to perform a one person show in which i kill myself in the end by sticking my head in the oven, then go to my freshman level english class, then be one of two witnesses in my professor's wedding, then see a production of An Ideal Husband where all of the actors are in wheelchairs.

really all i can think about is how drunk i should be for the wedding/what shoes i should wear to the wedding. i'm thinkin these

pachelbel

been listenin to a lot of this song lately. i guess that makes me soft, so fuck you.

David Fray

saw this guy perform the other night. but it is complicated cause at first i thought he was a she and i was totally ready to give into lesbianism. then i realized her name was david, so probably not a girl. i felt confused afterward, and it didn't help that when i got to my car it was covered in rats. god was punishing me for thinkin about being gay.

umm. he's good.

sorry

dear queenpinkdiamond,

SORRY. stop yelling at me. i've been busy wearing scarves, painting my nails, and trying not to drink, which has resulted in me drinking more than ever. challenge accepted, you know? anyway, Amy darling won a grammy tonight, so now i know rainbows are real and so are kittens.



this is more or less what i look like now, mainly less though cause i thought i looked all ethnic in this pic, but turns out i was just a little cross-eyed and down on love.

well, better get back to sending super inappropriate e-mails to muh teachers and drinking some hot Coors Light, CAUSE YOU GOTSTA HAVE DA BUMP.

some movies i've had sex to.

and harry potter, of course.