happy birthday, jesus!

diamond. help me. i don't know if i'm hungover or have a head injury. has this ever happened to you gurl? well, last night was merry fifthmas, one of the top ten most important things to me, up there with McDonalds and sparkles. the only thing i remember is falling and dropping my bottle of wine. at the time i thought i had dropped it in between the planks of the porch, but in retrospect, i don't think that happened. so now everything kind of hurts including my head, heart and soul. cool! i'm pretty sure i knocked all of my teeth loose and my mom keeps telling me to go to the hospital or else they will fall out. but i know a girl with some missing teeth and she really rocks it, so yolo. in gooder news, my brother was just hired as the new bartender at our fave bar, so expect many more uplifting stories like this, straight from the cutting room floor of Campbells Soup for the Soul. but really, all i wanna do is smoke a cigarette and i can't even open my mouth. like, how do i get nicotine into my body without opening my mouth? i'm literally just letting the cigarette burn so i can breathe the smoke. i'm not addicted!

totally know how Rhianna felt now. i get it gurl.