dank nails

hello bloggirlcousinperson. i was forced into adulthood this morning around 11 am when i was DRUNK on chillable and my mom points at me and says, 'if you have time to lean, you have time to clean!', which is the communist way of saying, 'your laziness is annoying me'. she handed me a big girl knife and some potatoes and then i told her 'my hair is bright red and i have homicidal thoughts' then she took the knife away from me and handed me a carrot peeler. then she smoked all of my cigarettes and made me drunk drive to walgreens, aka, the center of the universe. anyway, i only lost 3 press-ons in this tragedy, so after all is said and done, this has definitely the best christmas ever! if you've been keeping track, you will know that last night was christmas eve, one of the more boring eves of the year. so i got pretty crunk by myself on red wine while watching E.T. which kind of made me evaluate my existence and stuff. then i went to the bar. the guy who i lost my virginity to was there. well, at least my November 2012 virginity. he was there, dancing with this girl who was wearing a floor length linen skirt and some kind of earth friendly tee shirt and probably fucking birkenstocks or something. what is this?! The Wicker Man?!?! and in that moment, i realized no matter how pretty your eyes are, who you dance with at the bar at 1 am on christmas morning is what truly defines you. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! this is what they looked like: but i still got 7 press-ons!!! i lost jay-z and 2 of the blue ones, but at least i still got my girl B!

you're my medicine

Hey D. what's shakin, bacon? just kidding, i don't eat bacon. but i really don't cause i still don't eat anything cause my teeth still don't have emotions from the fall. they are sad face. but that's not a story for you, that's a story for my grandchildren. i'm going to be a fun grandmother! so i'm kind of at a point in my life where i don't really have one. i started drinking wine yesterday at 2 pm and didn't stop until 2 am. had to work today at 7. if you work in the retail industry, then you know how so much fun this time of the year is. it's like the best. the christmas soundtrack includes a super diverse list of about 5 songs. one of them is 'Snow Day' by Lisa Loeb, which has absolutely nothing to do with the holidays, in fact, i think it is about narcotic abuse. today, my friend Nekia, in an attempt to escape the 9th symphony, asked me if i wanted her to sing some lil' wayne. i was like 'yea'. so she started kind of lazilly rapping her own lyrics which slowly gradiated into a very misinterpreted version of 'Feliz Navidad'. see. SEE! the car is on fire and there is no driver at the wheel, if you know what i mean. but it's not just her, it's all of us. and as long as the grasshoppers don't eat up all of our gardens, and the dinosaurs don't trample us to death, i think we'll all live to see a few better days. ne ways. home now. i'm trying to avocado drinking until i have to go pick up my brother from work in like in hour, but let's be honest, i'm already drinking. here are some pictures of me trying to entertain myself:

this is a picture of my hair looking really white, which i find entertaining, cause IRL my hair looks super yellow.

this is a picture of me trying to get CAT to wave at the camera. it was entertaining cause she never did.

and finally, here is a picture of me on a rollercoaster. it was entertaining because roller coasters are entertaining, so says the travel channel. tune in next week to see if the rest of the ride was any good.

mixing food and drink: tasting meat without actually eating it

so if you bust your lip and smoke a cigarette and are really hungry but you can't eat, it kind of tastes like the deprivation of a third world country. ~lowered expectations~

happy birthday, jesus!

diamond. help me. i don't know if i'm hungover or have a head injury. has this ever happened to you gurl? well, last night was merry fifthmas, one of the top ten most important things to me, up there with McDonalds and sparkles. the only thing i remember is falling and dropping my bottle of wine. at the time i thought i had dropped it in between the planks of the porch, but in retrospect, i don't think that happened. so now everything kind of hurts including my head, heart and soul. cool! i'm pretty sure i knocked all of my teeth loose and my mom keeps telling me to go to the hospital or else they will fall out. but i know a girl with some missing teeth and she really rocks it, so yolo. in gooder news, my brother was just hired as the new bartender at our fave bar, so expect many more uplifting stories like this, straight from the cutting room floor of Campbells Soup for the Soul. but really, all i wanna do is smoke a cigarette and i can't even open my mouth. like, how do i get nicotine into my body without opening my mouth? i'm literally just letting the cigarette burn so i can breathe the smoke. i'm not addicted!

totally know how Rhianna felt now. i get it gurl.