AM Host (part-time)

well, it's a so(m)ber day here at Queen Pink Diamond. one of my bffs moved away to the new world, to the colonies, to Chicago. nothing against Chicago, it's just...you know...not me. i am taking his move personally and am probably going cry myself to sleep tonight. you know at the end of Garden State when Elizabeth Taylor is crying in the phone booth at the airport cause she thinks she will never see Channing Tatum again? i'm like that right now, except Channing Tatum doesn't return and sweep me off my feet...or pull me out of the phone booth, or whatever happens, i don't really remember i'm kinda drunk (i lied, it's not a sober day). what was i talking about...

here's a picture i just found, which i find totally relatable, because 1.) yes, Bukowski was right, and 2.)i just watched the movie this screenshot was taken from. it's like, god is looking out for me. it's like, global warming loves me. it's like, old people will have all the medicine they need forever. OH. that's what i was talking about... i saw a war story on the news tonight. that's why i'm sad. war is sad, and not even in the existential sense... i can't handle old people veteran stories, mainly because i inherently steal stories and write plays about them, so whenever i hear sad face war stories, i always feel like an ambulance chaser....i guess the point of all of this is i'm kinda drunk and feel like i should re-watch Garden State. Here's a picture of me before an interview i had yesterday with a casino. who knows how it went, but if it's any indication, the only other tabs open on my sweet 2007 macbook right now are craigslist ads for 'Front Desk Manager...''AM Host (part-time)' and 'Cashier'.

bye bye hangovers

hey gurl. it is the dawn of Tuesday, the 1st of June, 1966. it looks like it's going to be another scorcher. i've drank every day this week. one night, i drank so much that i ended up at the Covington water front, drinking a 40 and talking about jazz with this beautiful bronze statue. he won the conversation, i don't know anything about jazz. but it was nice, you know? meeting someone who will listen to me when i have nothing to say. i guess my point it, i have discovered the cure to hangovers. but i don't know if i should tell you. it's kind of like how scientists have the cure to cancer, but it would ruin the economy if they disclosed it, so they just gunna sit on it. ok, you convinced me, ill tell you. it's simple, you just have to paint your nails, curl your hair, and eat about 1/4 of a cucumber after you've been drinking and before you go to sleep (the nails and the hair may be optional, the results on that are still inconclusive). i've been experimenting this week, and have found that no matter what you mix, you don't have to worry. So Edward Albee/Richard Burton/Virgina Woolf, i'm loookin at you right now. Someday, 'never mix, never worry' will be studied and analyzed in schools as a primitive ideology that was just simply suppressing the welfare of americans all over the world. So try it! the other night i mixed gin beer vodka and played 'kill it' with a bottle of rum that i stole from an 18 year old, ate some cucumber until i passed out, then woke up the next morning welcoming the sun. cause the sun isn't your enemy, when you're not hungover.

Honey's pissed.

gay

buy your tickets, get yo popcorn, use the bathroom, cause you're being treated to a DOUBLE FEATURE: i think i'm addicted to shopping. today at work, i found a broom that was on clearance, and you know i just had to have it, like i know how to use a broom or something. and then i also found a Webster's ~!ThESauRus!~ marked down to a dollar. so you know i had to have that, too. ain't nothin wrong wit tryin to better myself and my vocabulary is***. Speaking of vocabulary, I was just reading back through some of Queen Pink Diamond's posts, and i realized there are basically 3 words that can be found in every post: GAY, HANGOVER, and BROTHER. god, i've got some good priorities. neway, that's what's up with this double, back 2 back update today. back to back, like Requiem for a Dream. Cool, i've just ruined your day. so to all uh my gays: i love you. not you per say, cause i don't know you, but without you, i would have nothing to talk about. (*** denotes a perfectly seamless segway, especially in the early works of Queen Pink Diamond)

oGAYcupid

Dear Obama, barackkkkkkkkkkkkkk obama. if i ever have a kid i'm going to name him/her Baraaaaaack Obamaaaaaa. i am currently on my lunch break of a 40 hour work week, and by that i mean, i am off until 9 am tomorrow, and i'm going to spend the majority of this free time eating. Just got home from taking my momsickle to da blood clinic, always fun. actually, this was my first time taking her cause my brother usually takes her, and he promised me that Everybody Loves Raymond would be playing in the lobby, which it wasn't, so now i feel like i can never trust public healthcare or my brother again. that's a promise!!! OkCupid, my favorite free website, deleted my account AGAIN. i'm assuming they deleted it... every time i try to log on, it says 'we are currently experiencing technical difficulties' which is some bullshit cause the world would probably stop if OkCupid were truly down for 3 days. But i think they dumped me cause some guy messaged me asking if i was really 14, and i said 'no i'm 15'. but it's like... of course i'm not 14. i didn't even know what dating was when i was 14, much less the internet....kids these days.... they've got everything. cell phones, daddies, OkCupid. what's next? clean clothes? whatever. here's a picture of me and my brother and some gay guys at a gay bar we were at this past gay weekend. cause every weekend is a gay weekend when you have a BFA in theatre...

look at me, i'm an angel.

Fury

My mom's friend Fury (Rob Morgan) back in 1988.

'drive sober or get pulled over'. -shakespeare

you know how there are some things you only do when you hungover? like drink water or go into that one special stall in that one special building on campus you have designated as your throw up stall? well, lately, i only eat pizza when i'm hungover, so i'm starting to associate horrible things with it, like demons and birkenstocks. so basically my subtext here is: i had a good time last night. i broke my promise to my daddy and god and went to that freshman deception party. THAT party. thoseeee people. it was ok. i woke up in my friend's attic this morning with my brother sitting next to me bright eyed and bushy tailed watching The Wire, starring all your favorite Baltimore natives and a couple of british guys. oh yeah! here's a picture of me with my new bling i got today. they came with the cupcakes my manager brought to work.

this song just made my hangover a lot worse.

but how do you fix a broken mirror?

saturGAY

hello blog. i think i'm having an identity crisis, but only because i am SOOOO BORED omg. my mother is in the other room saying that she's going to stop watching network news because it is too conservative, but all i'm hearing is 'i'm going to stop eating yeast because i'm vegan'. i don't like it when people have opinions about things, especially when i'm having an identity crisis. it is saturday evening, and the sky a lovely blue. the wind is blowing and the waves are waving, and i also haven't eaten since 1972, but who's counting? there is a party tonight, which is normally what i live for, but it is the first party of the semester, and i no longer belong to semesters. i was ex-communicated from semesters and first of the semester parties when i graduated from college. so what now? do i quilt? add to my list of potential baby names? go grocery shopping? YES. that is what i will do, go to a bar. GOD, you're such a life saver, Queen Pink Diamond. In the meantime, i think i will just sit here and wait for some black boys to message me on OkCupid. i love black boys. here's a picture of me a couple months ago when i was still young and vulnerable. not nos more :(

Elizabeth Smart Phone

hey cuties. bad news, didn't win the lottery. the other night i had this vision of the colors red and green, so that inspired me to go and buy a lottery ticket using the numbers of the dates of holidays represented by the colors red and green. this made me sad when i didn't win, so i went and bought a rockstar energy drink (i bet you thought i was gunna say 'gun'). but just like my credit, my metabolism is shady and sensitive. now i feel like a balloon that has some water in it. but just a little water. a really awkward water balloon is what i feel like right now. but i got happy again when i started thinkin about Elizabeth Smart and then i realized i never named my most recent phone, so i decided to name my phone Elizabeth Smart Phone. The same way i named my first car when i was 16 John Karr. The only people who were impressed by that were my junior literature teacher and my daddy's Colombian girlfriend who didn't really speak english, but she did have fantastic eyebrows. so all in all today has been not horrible, which in my book, makes it fantastic. got off work with a real debbie downer of an attitude, so my brother took me to kroger and bought me cheese. that's what we do; if sad, go and binge on cheese in the kroger parking lot. never fails, or at least, it makes my sad face turn into a sad tummy, cause i'm pretty lactose intolerant. and sad tummys are always better than sad faces. remember THAT one next time you have to give your senior yearbook quote. here's a clip from the movie The Comedians of Comedy that i have watched twice today. it was made in 2004, therefor it is vintage, therefor you will be a more cultured person if you watch it.

twins turn 23 here.

TODAY, on QUEEN PINK DIAMOND: i'm hungover. my very first hangover of my 23rd year. also maybe the gayest hangover ever. my hangover is full out homo. last night i drank a 44 ounce margarita, 2 double tall gin and tonics, a martini, and a glass of wine, which for me is hardly any alcohol at all so i dun get it. last night was a riot cause i always have riots, but it was a birthday riot. my favorite part of the evening was when some guy walked up to me at the bar and said 'you are so pretty. i like your hair and your clothes and your glasses and the way you talk and your hair.' at least i think he said hair twice. some people say that twitter is the humble brag capital of the internet, but i say it is Queen Pink Diamond. anyway. 23 is strange and awkward and i am now officially out of excuses. pop punk was right when it said 'nobody likes you when you're 23', cause how can people like you when you don't like yourself? just kidding. i like myself. probably too much. here's a sweet pic of me and my bro reluctantly turning 23:

p.s. does anyone watch The Killing?

HEY it is 1 57 pm. i was just outside smoking a cigarette, cause that's what we do now, go outside and smoke cigarettes. i'm in a battle with the worst hangover of my life, and it's not even my birthday. it's hot as hell, maybe hotter. so i was standing next to the apartment complex dumpster wearing a cut off Rocky Horror Picture Show tee shirt, black yoga pants, rainboots, and long dirty bleached blond hair that is still wet from going swimming a couple days ago, looking metal as fuck, when an old jeep drives by and screams in my direction 'I'M GUNNA FUCK YOU!!!'. don't get me wrong, i've never felt prettier, but it made me stop and examine a couple of things. like my fingernails, for example. my nails are basic right now, at best. i've spent the last 3 hours listening to Gold Finger on repeat trying to learn the lyrics to sing at my next audition CAUSE YOU KNOW I'D BE SO GOOD, and i can't find my cat. what am i doing with my life? where is God in this equation? where is my next meal coming from (burger king or taco bell)? so many things. .....so many things.............. who wore it better, me or my brother?

Dear Queenpinkdiamond

i'm sorry. i wish i could take you to disney world to let you know how sorry i am. i wish i could take you to the mall and let you run wild in Pac Sun to let you know how sorry i am. i've been very busy. if you were my real child, i would pay all of the back child support that i owe, i promise. i love you, i need you to remember that. anyway. i guess i've been busy graduating from college and preparing to turn 21 for the third time. third times a charm, right? i just got back from NYC where dreams come true and you get in fights with your brother and end up drunk and crying eating biscuits at Popeye's in Harlem at 3 am. those people are good people. they were good to me. here's a picture of a show i saw:

it's called End of the Rainbow, apparently....i just call it The Judy Garland show. It stars Tracie Bennett and i criiieeedddd. it's only the second show i've ever cried during, the first one was completely alcohol induced tears, and this one was only partially alcohol induced tears. red wine induced tears, to be specific. so, honest tears. it was absolutely probably the best theatrical experience of my life. newayz. it's about to close, so u should c it. i'm going to post some more pictures from new york. maybe tonight, maybe never. love always, YOUR BIRTH MOTHER.