Swaggy

yo qPdidyy whats up. i just made toast in the oven while smoking a cigarette with wet nails. i woulda taken some pix, but i've run out of minutes on my pre-pay so the camera phone is a no go till the first. my mom quit smoking today so she's hidden all the ashtrays so i'm using her favorite measuring cup to ash. that'll show her!! i don't even know why i'm eating, i'm tryna go hard tonight. it's the official 2013 A-GAME weekend, so i feel sorry for which ever country jail and or hospital i end up in. today sucked kinda, worked a 12 hours shift. but my girl Star was there which was cool cause she said she wasn't gunna have a ride to work, but then her cousin ended up dropping her off on the way to her sister's court hearing. as we were closing, this like 15 year old hood rat walked up to me, looked me up and down, and i was about ready to call Loss Prevention on her, but then she smiled and said 'you look real swaggy'. HOW SWEET. totally changed my day. last night was opening night of A-Game weekend, and i must be honest, i was bringin my b-game, at best. i somehow got tricked into being the DD by my brother who chugged a box of wine before we left. but u no me, this just meant me getting drunk enough where i would remember to only take left turns, cause my right turn signal STILL isn't working. i ended up at my regular bar, where i proceeded to get white girl drunk and cry at the bar. i guess there's a first time for everything, and in this case, there's a sixth or seventh time for everything. Pockets, you remember pockets from New Year's Eve, has been my baby daddy for the past month. i thought we ended it the other day, but then he proceeded to very publicly tell me last night that he is too old for me. i mean, yea, he was already legally drinking when i was born, but age is just a number just like jail is just a hotel. see?! full circle. see you in county tonight, bitches. here is the best song of all time. if you don't think so you're either white, or wrong.

ima read ima read ima read

hey fancy pants, miss queen what's good? today at work my friend Red (we call her red cause we don't know how to pronounce her real name and she has red micro braids) told me she liked my nails. then she asked if they were real. i said yes. then she said 'oh they look fake. i like that look'. me 2 gurl. doin it for my friends. i only got 2 and if you're reading this, you are one of them. went kinda hard last night. beer, gin and tonic, martini, shot of vodka, shot of tequila, shot of rum. probably more who knows. i've been doing this thing lately where i get really drunk then go to this restaurant and i order 3 orders of toast then i don't eat them. just tryin to help the economy, i guess. who knows. here's a picture of me drinking beer by myself at 6 am the other day.

Les Miserables

ok ima get real for a minute. i am now emotionally unavailable thanks to the 2012 indy sci fi flick Les Miserables. god damn. i saw it today, AGAIN. you know when you're fighting with your mom for like 3 hours and you cry some and you laugh some, but mainly you throw glass and metal objects at each other? that's what happened to me today, except my mother wasn't there and my metal objects were confiscated while entering the theatre. my eyes are swollen, i'm having trouble breathing, my muscles hurt. then again, that could be from the lavish amounts of alcohol i drank last night, but i don't think so. i don't think so at all, QPD. i have been mentally mugged. i am disturbed. i probably need medication. it is all i have talked about, thought about, and eaten for the last 7 days. and it's not getting any better. anyway. in trying to have a life other than les mis, i have been drinking a lot. last night i had some wine on the way to the bar, where i drank some drank, then went to my friend sam's (sam, the one who thought he could fly but instead just broke his neck) and played How To Get Drunk In Three Minutes Or Less, where you line up a gin and tonic, a glass of wine, a shot of vodka, some kind of chaser if you're a pansy, a beer, then another shot of vodka. you have 3 minutes to kill it, but let's be honest, it only took me 38 seconds. i then proceeded to stay awake by myself until 6 am at which point i had a real weird facebook convo with my mom. here's a picture of me after les mis today. you can't really tell, but my face was covered in snot and tears. i went into the movie wearing a lot of makeup, but my emotions washed it away. even the lipstick.

Put it down

yo pinks! happy national 'lay in bed and watch netflix day'!!! well just brushed my teeth with dr. bronner's soap cause i'm out of toothpaste. but there's no way putting that into my body could be any worse than what i put into it last night, and i don't even mean intravenously or sexually. god damn am i hungover. i've been doing this thing lately where i pre game before i pre game for the bar. so last night, new years eve, one of the more exciting eve's of the year, i drank beer and about 4 glasses of wine before i went to the pre game party where i had a bottle of champagne and about 5 glasses of wine so i could get oiled up for the bar where i couldn't even tell you what i drank. it's one of those questions i'm going to have to wait to ask god i guess. i just got home from long john silvers where i ordered 24 hush puppies and a gallon of Dr. Pepper all for me. MY TURN!!!! i have no doubt that those things are cooked in animal liquids, but i don't know that for a fact, so what doesn't kill me in this case does not make me stronger, it makes me depressed and in pain. anyway. don't remember much from last night except some guy named 'Pockets' telling me 'you and your see through shirt are so beautiful' and then i made him tell me i was smart and a good actress and a very moral person. i think he's the one, you guys. here is a picture of me and my see through shirt. the asshole shooting some sweet deuces in the background is the guy who got me banned from OkCupid. tell all your friends.

and here's some Brandy for your time.

dank nails

hello bloggirlcousinperson. i was forced into adulthood this morning around 11 am when i was DRUNK on chillable and my mom points at me and says, 'if you have time to lean, you have time to clean!', which is the communist way of saying, 'your laziness is annoying me'. she handed me a big girl knife and some potatoes and then i told her 'my hair is bright red and i have homicidal thoughts' then she took the knife away from me and handed me a carrot peeler. then she smoked all of my cigarettes and made me drunk drive to walgreens, aka, the center of the universe. anyway, i only lost 3 press-ons in this tragedy, so after all is said and done, this has definitely the best christmas ever! if you've been keeping track, you will know that last night was christmas eve, one of the more boring eves of the year. so i got pretty crunk by myself on red wine while watching E.T. which kind of made me evaluate my existence and stuff. then i went to the bar. the guy who i lost my virginity to was there. well, at least my November 2012 virginity. he was there, dancing with this girl who was wearing a floor length linen skirt and some kind of earth friendly tee shirt and probably fucking birkenstocks or something. what is this?! The Wicker Man?!?! and in that moment, i realized no matter how pretty your eyes are, who you dance with at the bar at 1 am on christmas morning is what truly defines you. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! this is what they looked like: but i still got 7 press-ons!!! i lost jay-z and 2 of the blue ones, but at least i still got my girl B!

you're my medicine

Hey D. what's shakin, bacon? just kidding, i don't eat bacon. but i really don't cause i still don't eat anything cause my teeth still don't have emotions from the fall. they are sad face. but that's not a story for you, that's a story for my grandchildren. i'm going to be a fun grandmother! so i'm kind of at a point in my life where i don't really have one. i started drinking wine yesterday at 2 pm and didn't stop until 2 am. had to work today at 7. if you work in the retail industry, then you know how so much fun this time of the year is. it's like the best. the christmas soundtrack includes a super diverse list of about 5 songs. one of them is 'Snow Day' by Lisa Loeb, which has absolutely nothing to do with the holidays, in fact, i think it is about narcotic abuse. today, my friend Nekia, in an attempt to escape the 9th symphony, asked me if i wanted her to sing some lil' wayne. i was like 'yea'. so she started kind of lazilly rapping her own lyrics which slowly gradiated into a very misinterpreted version of 'Feliz Navidad'. see. SEE! the car is on fire and there is no driver at the wheel, if you know what i mean. but it's not just her, it's all of us. and as long as the grasshoppers don't eat up all of our gardens, and the dinosaurs don't trample us to death, i think we'll all live to see a few better days. ne ways. home now. i'm trying to avocado drinking until i have to go pick up my brother from work in like in hour, but let's be honest, i'm already drinking. here are some pictures of me trying to entertain myself:

this is a picture of my hair looking really white, which i find entertaining, cause IRL my hair looks super yellow.

this is a picture of me trying to get CAT to wave at the camera. it was entertaining cause she never did.

and finally, here is a picture of me on a rollercoaster. it was entertaining because roller coasters are entertaining, so says the travel channel. tune in next week to see if the rest of the ride was any good.

mixing food and drink: tasting meat without actually eating it

so if you bust your lip and smoke a cigarette and are really hungry but you can't eat, it kind of tastes like the deprivation of a third world country. ~lowered expectations~