Elizabeth Smart Phone

hey cuties. bad news, didn't win the lottery. the other night i had this vision of the colors red and green, so that inspired me to go and buy a lottery ticket using the numbers of the dates of holidays represented by the colors red and green. this made me sad when i didn't win, so i went and bought a rockstar energy drink (i bet you thought i was gunna say 'gun'). but just like my credit, my metabolism is shady and sensitive. now i feel like a balloon that has some water in it. but just a little water. a really awkward water balloon is what i feel like right now. but i got happy again when i started thinkin about Elizabeth Smart and then i realized i never named my most recent phone, so i decided to name my phone Elizabeth Smart Phone. The same way i named my first car when i was 16 John Karr. The only people who were impressed by that were my junior literature teacher and my daddy's Colombian girlfriend who didn't really speak english, but she did have fantastic eyebrows. so all in all today has been not horrible, which in my book, makes it fantastic. got off work with a real debbie downer of an attitude, so my brother took me to kroger and bought me cheese. that's what we do; if sad, go and binge on cheese in the kroger parking lot. never fails, or at least, it makes my sad face turn into a sad tummy, cause i'm pretty lactose intolerant. and sad tummys are always better than sad faces. remember THAT one next time you have to give your senior yearbook quote. here's a clip from the movie The Comedians of Comedy that i have watched twice today. it was made in 2004, therefor it is vintage, therefor you will be a more cultured person if you watch it.

twins turn 23 here.

TODAY, on QUEEN PINK DIAMOND: i'm hungover. my very first hangover of my 23rd year. also maybe the gayest hangover ever. my hangover is full out homo. last night i drank a 44 ounce margarita, 2 double tall gin and tonics, a martini, and a glass of wine, which for me is hardly any alcohol at all so i dun get it. last night was a riot cause i always have riots, but it was a birthday riot. my favorite part of the evening was when some guy walked up to me at the bar and said 'you are so pretty. i like your hair and your clothes and your glasses and the way you talk and your hair.' at least i think he said hair twice. some people say that twitter is the humble brag capital of the internet, but i say it is Queen Pink Diamond. anyway. 23 is strange and awkward and i am now officially out of excuses. pop punk was right when it said 'nobody likes you when you're 23', cause how can people like you when you don't like yourself? just kidding. i like myself. probably too much. here's a sweet pic of me and my bro reluctantly turning 23:

p.s. does anyone watch The Killing?

HEY it is 1 57 pm. i was just outside smoking a cigarette, cause that's what we do now, go outside and smoke cigarettes. i'm in a battle with the worst hangover of my life, and it's not even my birthday. it's hot as hell, maybe hotter. so i was standing next to the apartment complex dumpster wearing a cut off Rocky Horror Picture Show tee shirt, black yoga pants, rainboots, and long dirty bleached blond hair that is still wet from going swimming a couple days ago, looking metal as fuck, when an old jeep drives by and screams in my direction 'I'M GUNNA FUCK YOU!!!'. don't get me wrong, i've never felt prettier, but it made me stop and examine a couple of things. like my fingernails, for example. my nails are basic right now, at best. i've spent the last 3 hours listening to Gold Finger on repeat trying to learn the lyrics to sing at my next audition CAUSE YOU KNOW I'D BE SO GOOD, and i can't find my cat. what am i doing with my life? where is God in this equation? where is my next meal coming from (burger king or taco bell)? so many things. .....so many things.............. who wore it better, me or my brother?

Dear Queenpinkdiamond

i'm sorry. i wish i could take you to disney world to let you know how sorry i am. i wish i could take you to the mall and let you run wild in Pac Sun to let you know how sorry i am. i've been very busy. if you were my real child, i would pay all of the back child support that i owe, i promise. i love you, i need you to remember that. anyway. i guess i've been busy graduating from college and preparing to turn 21 for the third time. third times a charm, right? i just got back from NYC where dreams come true and you get in fights with your brother and end up drunk and crying eating biscuits at Popeye's in Harlem at 3 am. those people are good people. they were good to me. here's a picture of a show i saw:

it's called End of the Rainbow, apparently....i just call it The Judy Garland show. It stars Tracie Bennett and i criiieeedddd. it's only the second show i've ever cried during, the first one was completely alcohol induced tears, and this one was only partially alcohol induced tears. red wine induced tears, to be specific. so, honest tears. it was absolutely probably the best theatrical experience of my life. newayz. it's about to close, so u should c it. i'm going to post some more pictures from new york. maybe tonight, maybe never. love always, YOUR BIRTH MOTHER.

in which i set myself on fire

hello. tomorrow i have to perform a one person show in which i kill myself in the end by sticking my head in the oven, then go to my freshman level english class, then be one of two witnesses in my professor's wedding, then see a production of An Ideal Husband where all of the actors are in wheelchairs.

really all i can think about is how drunk i should be for the wedding/what shoes i should wear to the wedding. i'm thinkin these

pachelbel

been listenin to a lot of this song lately. i guess that makes me soft, so fuck you.