sunglasses and advil, last night was mad real.

yo diamonds. listen. i went to the fabric store with my old lady today. for personal reasons, i don't actually go in fabric stores, which resulted in me sitting in the newport shopping center parking lot by myself for a little over an hour. i refreshed facebook on my phone about 300 times, took some cute selfsies, sober texted some people, and that was only in the first 5 minutes. my solitude caused me to have some kind of weird panic attack, which made me want to dye my hair. i decided i wanted to dye it a nice red to match the robe that Our Lady of Guadelupe is wearing in my necklace that i plan on wearing for a few months. so now i can legally say 'i have bright red hair and have homicidal thoughts', or at least, it will creep people out more when i say it now. GOD it feels good to not look nu metal anymore. now i just look like i never got the memo that 2004 ended. any way. last night was the mardi gras party at my brother's bar. got kind of drunk and saw a lot of boy's bathing suit areas, which is funny because it's totally not even bathing suit weather yet. feelin kind of gross right now. yesterday i was hungry, but didn't feel like getting out of my car, so i ordered 3 dozen hush puppies from KFC and i more or less minus the less ate all of them. now i'm double fisting beer and coffee bout to go drive around and show off my new do, maybe park outside of the strip club and see what happens. you know. sundays.

Way Of The Road

hello. good news! the tests have come back and i am NOT an alcoholic. i just went 3.5 days without drinking, therefor, you are gay. oh Queens, i've missed you. i don't really know what i've been doing. i'm on my third sick day in a row from work, and my body and soul are starting to feel a little brittle, but i guess that's the way of the road, the way she fuckin goes. i've been having some pretty dank back problems, which in my opinion were caused from my severe anxiety about whether or not to dye my hair brown. Freddie, my room mate/mother did this crazy shaman thing on me to find the source of my pain and she told me that i needed to take a day and just lay in bed and cry. so i've been calling off work and instead, popping muscle relaxers and watching Trailer Park Boys. if you add everything i just said up, you will realize how vulnerable i am feeling right now. OH! i almost forgot! i made a new frienemy!!! her name is 'Dirty Haired Russian Rose' and she likes to kiss girls and drink well vodka, as long as someone else is paying. that's about it. i'm kind of seeing this new guy. i met him on a cigarette break at work. he told me 'you are sexy for a white girl', and just like that, i knew i'd have trouble getting rid of him. His name is 'Minutes', cause he's always telling me to call him cause he just got some more minutes for his phone. i love my life!!!!!!! Here is a picture of some of my all time favorite homosexuals and another chart topping picture of my see-through new years eve shirt.

ok, here's a riddle for you. what if i'm wearing a see through shirt with a bra, leave with a group of guys no one has seen before, then show up a couple days later a little taller and just a tad less cynical? don't worry boys, i don't kiss and tell, i'm old fashioned that way! just like back ally abortions.

Swaggy

yo qPdidyy whats up. i just made toast in the oven while smoking a cigarette with wet nails. i woulda taken some pix, but i've run out of minutes on my pre-pay so the camera phone is a no go till the first. my mom quit smoking today so she's hidden all the ashtrays so i'm using her favorite measuring cup to ash. that'll show her!! i don't even know why i'm eating, i'm tryna go hard tonight. it's the official 2013 A-GAME weekend, so i feel sorry for which ever country jail and or hospital i end up in. today sucked kinda, worked a 12 hours shift. but my girl Star was there which was cool cause she said she wasn't gunna have a ride to work, but then her cousin ended up dropping her off on the way to her sister's court hearing. as we were closing, this like 15 year old hood rat walked up to me, looked me up and down, and i was about ready to call Loss Prevention on her, but then she smiled and said 'you look real swaggy'. HOW SWEET. totally changed my day. last night was opening night of A-Game weekend, and i must be honest, i was bringin my b-game, at best. i somehow got tricked into being the DD by my brother who chugged a box of wine before we left. but u no me, this just meant me getting drunk enough where i would remember to only take left turns, cause my right turn signal STILL isn't working. i ended up at my regular bar, where i proceeded to get white girl drunk and cry at the bar. i guess there's a first time for everything, and in this case, there's a sixth or seventh time for everything. Pockets, you remember pockets from New Year's Eve, has been my baby daddy for the past month. i thought we ended it the other day, but then he proceeded to very publicly tell me last night that he is too old for me. i mean, yea, he was already legally drinking when i was born, but age is just a number just like jail is just a hotel. see?! full circle. see you in county tonight, bitches. here is the best song of all time. if you don't think so you're either white, or wrong.

ima read ima read ima read

hey fancy pants, miss queen what's good? today at work my friend Red (we call her red cause we don't know how to pronounce her real name and she has red micro braids) told me she liked my nails. then she asked if they were real. i said yes. then she said 'oh they look fake. i like that look'. me 2 gurl. doin it for my friends. i only got 2 and if you're reading this, you are one of them. went kinda hard last night. beer, gin and tonic, martini, shot of vodka, shot of tequila, shot of rum. probably more who knows. i've been doing this thing lately where i get really drunk then go to this restaurant and i order 3 orders of toast then i don't eat them. just tryin to help the economy, i guess. who knows. here's a picture of me drinking beer by myself at 6 am the other day.

Les Miserables

ok ima get real for a minute. i am now emotionally unavailable thanks to the 2012 indy sci fi flick Les Miserables. god damn. i saw it today, AGAIN. you know when you're fighting with your mom for like 3 hours and you cry some and you laugh some, but mainly you throw glass and metal objects at each other? that's what happened to me today, except my mother wasn't there and my metal objects were confiscated while entering the theatre. my eyes are swollen, i'm having trouble breathing, my muscles hurt. then again, that could be from the lavish amounts of alcohol i drank last night, but i don't think so. i don't think so at all, QPD. i have been mentally mugged. i am disturbed. i probably need medication. it is all i have talked about, thought about, and eaten for the last 7 days. and it's not getting any better. anyway. in trying to have a life other than les mis, i have been drinking a lot. last night i had some wine on the way to the bar, where i drank some drank, then went to my friend sam's (sam, the one who thought he could fly but instead just broke his neck) and played How To Get Drunk In Three Minutes Or Less, where you line up a gin and tonic, a glass of wine, a shot of vodka, some kind of chaser if you're a pansy, a beer, then another shot of vodka. you have 3 minutes to kill it, but let's be honest, it only took me 38 seconds. i then proceeded to stay awake by myself until 6 am at which point i had a real weird facebook convo with my mom. here's a picture of me after les mis today. you can't really tell, but my face was covered in snot and tears. i went into the movie wearing a lot of makeup, but my emotions washed it away. even the lipstick.

Put it down

yo pinks! happy national 'lay in bed and watch netflix day'!!! well just brushed my teeth with dr. bronner's soap cause i'm out of toothpaste. but there's no way putting that into my body could be any worse than what i put into it last night, and i don't even mean intravenously or sexually. god damn am i hungover. i've been doing this thing lately where i pre game before i pre game for the bar. so last night, new years eve, one of the more exciting eve's of the year, i drank beer and about 4 glasses of wine before i went to the pre game party where i had a bottle of champagne and about 5 glasses of wine so i could get oiled up for the bar where i couldn't even tell you what i drank. it's one of those questions i'm going to have to wait to ask god i guess. i just got home from long john silvers where i ordered 24 hush puppies and a gallon of Dr. Pepper all for me. MY TURN!!!! i have no doubt that those things are cooked in animal liquids, but i don't know that for a fact, so what doesn't kill me in this case does not make me stronger, it makes me depressed and in pain. anyway. don't remember much from last night except some guy named 'Pockets' telling me 'you and your see through shirt are so beautiful' and then i made him tell me i was smart and a good actress and a very moral person. i think he's the one, you guys. here is a picture of me and my see through shirt. the asshole shooting some sweet deuces in the background is the guy who got me banned from OkCupid. tell all your friends.

and here's some Brandy for your time.

dank nails

hello bloggirlcousinperson. i was forced into adulthood this morning around 11 am when i was DRUNK on chillable and my mom points at me and says, 'if you have time to lean, you have time to clean!', which is the communist way of saying, 'your laziness is annoying me'. she handed me a big girl knife and some potatoes and then i told her 'my hair is bright red and i have homicidal thoughts' then she took the knife away from me and handed me a carrot peeler. then she smoked all of my cigarettes and made me drunk drive to walgreens, aka, the center of the universe. anyway, i only lost 3 press-ons in this tragedy, so after all is said and done, this has definitely the best christmas ever! if you've been keeping track, you will know that last night was christmas eve, one of the more boring eves of the year. so i got pretty crunk by myself on red wine while watching E.T. which kind of made me evaluate my existence and stuff. then i went to the bar. the guy who i lost my virginity to was there. well, at least my November 2012 virginity. he was there, dancing with this girl who was wearing a floor length linen skirt and some kind of earth friendly tee shirt and probably fucking birkenstocks or something. what is this?! The Wicker Man?!?! and in that moment, i realized no matter how pretty your eyes are, who you dance with at the bar at 1 am on christmas morning is what truly defines you. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! this is what they looked like: but i still got 7 press-ons!!! i lost jay-z and 2 of the blue ones, but at least i still got my girl B!

you're my medicine

Hey D. what's shakin, bacon? just kidding, i don't eat bacon. but i really don't cause i still don't eat anything cause my teeth still don't have emotions from the fall. they are sad face. but that's not a story for you, that's a story for my grandchildren. i'm going to be a fun grandmother! so i'm kind of at a point in my life where i don't really have one. i started drinking wine yesterday at 2 pm and didn't stop until 2 am. had to work today at 7. if you work in the retail industry, then you know how so much fun this time of the year is. it's like the best. the christmas soundtrack includes a super diverse list of about 5 songs. one of them is 'Snow Day' by Lisa Loeb, which has absolutely nothing to do with the holidays, in fact, i think it is about narcotic abuse. today, my friend Nekia, in an attempt to escape the 9th symphony, asked me if i wanted her to sing some lil' wayne. i was like 'yea'. so she started kind of lazilly rapping her own lyrics which slowly gradiated into a very misinterpreted version of 'Feliz Navidad'. see. SEE! the car is on fire and there is no driver at the wheel, if you know what i mean. but it's not just her, it's all of us. and as long as the grasshoppers don't eat up all of our gardens, and the dinosaurs don't trample us to death, i think we'll all live to see a few better days. ne ways. home now. i'm trying to avocado drinking until i have to go pick up my brother from work in like in hour, but let's be honest, i'm already drinking. here are some pictures of me trying to entertain myself:

this is a picture of my hair looking really white, which i find entertaining, cause IRL my hair looks super yellow.

this is a picture of me trying to get CAT to wave at the camera. it was entertaining cause she never did.

and finally, here is a picture of me on a rollercoaster. it was entertaining because roller coasters are entertaining, so says the travel channel. tune in next week to see if the rest of the ride was any good.

mixing food and drink: tasting meat without actually eating it

so if you bust your lip and smoke a cigarette and are really hungry but you can't eat, it kind of tastes like the deprivation of a third world country. ~lowered expectations~

happy birthday, jesus!

diamond. help me. i don't know if i'm hungover or have a head injury. has this ever happened to you gurl? well, last night was merry fifthmas, one of the top ten most important things to me, up there with McDonalds and sparkles. the only thing i remember is falling and dropping my bottle of wine. at the time i thought i had dropped it in between the planks of the porch, but in retrospect, i don't think that happened. so now everything kind of hurts including my head, heart and soul. cool! i'm pretty sure i knocked all of my teeth loose and my mom keeps telling me to go to the hospital or else they will fall out. but i know a girl with some missing teeth and she really rocks it, so yolo. in gooder news, my brother was just hired as the new bartender at our fave bar, so expect many more uplifting stories like this, straight from the cutting room floor of Campbells Soup for the Soul. but really, all i wanna do is smoke a cigarette and i can't even open my mouth. like, how do i get nicotine into my body without opening my mouth? i'm literally just letting the cigarette burn so i can breathe the smoke. i'm not addicted!

totally know how Rhianna felt now. i get it gurl.

feelin pretty nu

hey gurl. sorry, i have no excuses this time, just been drinkin a lot, sleepin even more. u know, trying to stay focused basically. i just told someone i couldn't hang out tonight cause i had to wash my hair, paint my nails, do laundry, change purses, and cancel my Save The Children sponsorship, all of which i think makes me a pretty legit and humble person. no one likes shallow people. but instead all i've done is eat 4 pieces of toast, drink an energy drink, and smoke about half a pack of cigarettes. A LEAN NIGHT. anyway, i'm kind of having an identity crisis and by that i mean i can't really afford to get by platinum blond roots touched up, so i don't know if i should dye my hair brown or if i should sell something, like blood or sex, to get my hair did. i would only need 20 dolla, but times is tuff, u know? i feel like i'm starting to look pretty nu metal, which is my second biggest fear after anal sex. anyway, what color should i paint my nails? like, what's the least nu metal color you can think of? sparkly baby pink? clutch, pink diamond, you are clutch, always with the good advice. here's a screen shot of me and my sunny disposition. i call it 'happiness awoke with me every morning'

romayo and julieta

while i do love tchaikovskey's romeo and juliet overture, it is the beginning, the waxing of the, what is it, the woodwinds and strings?, that is so captivating. the consonance. 'star-crossed', has nothing to do with it; it is the friar, the friar saying 'listen', in this symphonic poem. and then the minors and the key changes, everything before the cymbal. but i could never get past the 6 minute mark. the main theme is too beautiful, and i completely blame Pytor for romanticizing and exploiting shakespere's subplot. i find the main theme obvious thanks to pop culture and the way they underscore it in first encounters between boys and girls. romeo and juliet isn't about love, we know that. it's about testosterone and politics. if you want to talk about love, let's talk about Wagner. i may delete this in the morning aka i'm drunk, which gives me the right to talk about this thing i know nothing about.

happy halloween

i just got drunk and decided to facebook stalk my mexican cousins. do you think i look mexican?

*in my Donnie Whalberg Sixth Sense voice* i do.

toast

hello all you gay people. gay is in the air today, i tell you what. i'm kinda drunk on Chillable, if you know what i mean. just ate some toast, which in my extremely humble opinion is the second greatest invention, if we're still using the sliced bread scale. i'm listening to N*Sync singing O holy Night (my all time fave cut) while pre gamin for the season premiere of American Horror story, all while trying to work on a short story about valentines day. i had such high hopes for today. it's the first time i've seen daylight since sunday, you know...workin doubles, gettin rich. but i had the afternoon off today and i was going to do laundry, exercise, cancel my generous monthly contribution to Save the Children, but all i did was call this one guy i did it with once and then watch an ESPN special on UK basketball. oh well. you win some, you lose some, and i would definitely say that today, i have won some.

these are some good books, you can pick them up at your local library. you know what, they may even be available at Target.

Gucci

you know how everyone has that one friend who doesn't dress well, but they're still cool? well i am that one friend, because i am not dressed head to toe in Gucci for these cool autumn months. don't let me be that friend, buy me these things:

i'm not okay

hello. i just went to the grocery store. i hate the grocery store. i started yelling at this lady in the organic aisle, or as i like to call it, the asshole aisle. asshole aisle number 2 is the produce section, u know, vegetables and things. i really don't like it when people try to force their beliefs on me, and whenever someone else is in the organic aisle with me, i take it personally. it's like, just go home and take your multi vitamins in private, you know? so my mom had to calm me down by buying me an energy drink and telling me to go wait outside and smoke a cigarette. we're home now and she keeps checking on me. I'M NOT OKAY.

Donna knows how i feel, don't you gurl?

The Abortion

speaking of as constant as a northern star... this song was recently added to the ever uplifting TJMaxx soundtrack. i started writing a screenplay around it. the screenplay is about these young and attractive male and female. the male gets the female pregnant and she has to have an A word (abortion). she doesn't really care that much, but he's kinda bothered by it. this song is playing in the waiting room while she's feeling out the paper work. she's bored and keeps getting distracted by her new manicure, and he's troubled and staring at her and remembering 'all the good times'. at one point there is a lap dance, but it should be unclear whether this is a memory, or really happening. but let's be real, this girl would totally give her baby daddy a lap dance in the abortion clinic lobby. to help you imagine the scene, the walls are a pale 'sleazy diner' yellow and the lights are fluorescent. the choreography to the lap dance is an exact replication of Butterfly's in Death Proof

case of you

here's a recording of me singing 'Case of you' by Joni Mitchell

gin and juice minus the juice

The most darling of diamonds, tell me why my apartment complex be smellin like KFC biscuits. so i just got home from the grocery store. i feel bad, because at 7 pm there was supposed to be a 10 second world wide meditation, but i was at the store tryna pick up some strange. The Cincinnati Reds lost tonight, apparently the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to sports, but it's not really a surprise cause it's Cincinnati. The VP debate is tonight, which makes me nostalgic for my youth in which i spent many hours in campaign offices playing with the trash/waiting at home by myself for my mother to drunkenly come home from some fundraiser. but 4 reals, i did get to go to the Chaney/Lieberman debate back in '00 and it was chill. i had a broken ankle and i was wearing a lime green turtle neck with brown mary-janes. i got to shake Joe Lieberman's hand, and from there on out for about 8 years, i was obsessed with him. like, i won the middle school 'most political' award at graduation because of the numerous essays i had voluntarily written on ol Joe and his unprecedented judaic strides in politics. really though i just thought all of the attention was super glam. anyway. gotsta go get my gin and tonics (aka shots of gin) ready for the debunkle. remember, tipping is not a city in China. here's a recent picture of me and my boo and my boo boo riding. i post this picture because, while, it was taken a week ago, i'm wearing the exact same thing right now. so now you're closer to me, closer to god.

and here's a song to describe the Reds losing today; Soo Cincinnati.